Someday just a memory.

I wanted to post this in a separate entry because it's a totally separate issue. My mom told me at dinner two nights ago that she has a spot on her lung and that she is going to Richmond on the 29th to get a biopsy. She is also quitting smoking via Kaiser's program for it. Too little, too late right? It's not like I didn't expect this, because I did. She smokes almost 2 packs a day, and chain smokes it at that. She couldn't get away with not having a bad lung problem. I don't know what I'm going to do if she does. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, or if I'm going to handle it, but I can tell you this for sure, life will be so different. This is the first time I've really gotten upset over it, but I don't want to lose my mom. I love her, so very much, and out of everyone in the entire world, I love her the most and I don't think I can bear losing her at this point in the game. Not before my wedding, before I can show her all my accomplishments, not before I can have kids. Life isn't fair but it's not like I didn't expect it. I don't see a happy ending...

The fair was great, Ross was not. Christine, Jacky and I get there and walk around for a little bit, and then eventually find Danny and Birdman and then later, Ross and Jim. He didn't look happy to see me and ended up leaving without saying goodbye. Thanks alcohol, you're my best friend. So, I leave with Birdman and take his keys with the intention of driving the boys home later. We go to Smashmouth and he efficiently finds Gianna, Pin and Dutz within 2 seconds of getting there. Can you say AWKWARD? So, we leave and find Christian, Aaron, and all them, and I walk around with them for awhile, make fun of people, get hit on, laugh at them and generally enjoy my time. We met up with everyone else again, and Ross left right as I walked up, but later said he didn't see me. Everyone breaks up, and Birdman and I go sit with Ross on one bench, then move to another with Danny and Matt and they decide they want to leave but Ross doesn't. So, I go against all my morals and let Bird drive home, and I stay with Ross with the intention of having Christine bring us home.

So we follow the guys out of the gate to make sure Danny doesn't get beat up within the 200ft it takes to get to the gate, and finally turn around and go find Aaron's airbrushed hat. We sat at the booth talking to the people for 20 minutes waiting for Aaron and Christian, and eventually get the hat and take it to them. Christian and Mike both wanted to punch Ross in the face and I broke that up quickly. (Insert Ross' misunderstanding/jumping to conclusion here.) Mike asked Ross if we were together, if I was his girl, and he said yes. Then Mike asked me what I'm doing and I said looking for Christine. Well Ross thought Mike asked me the same question he asked Ross. This is why we fought later on in the night. Well Ross and I finally went looking for Christine and I got upset because I hate not being with whoever drove me and we finally found them. Ross left with Mazursky to the bathroom, then went to walk home without saying goodbye. I was with everyone else, eating my ice cream and Christian was eating fish, LIVE FISH.

Well we eventually leave, after seeing Alexandra and driving Mike and Greg to their truck. Greg was an asshole to Jacky, as he usually is. So I called Ross, and he hung up on for a total of 5 times, after telling me where he was at least so we went to pick him up. I was already in the back seat, and he saw I was, then immediately shut the door and started walking away. Christine got out, and Jacky got in the back with me, and he finally got inside and we took him home, in silence. I started sobbing after he got out of the car, and we took Jacky home, then I went home and talked to Christine for about 20 minutes. I called Ross, and he ended up calling me back and I explained it and basically lectured him and told him how stupid he was and that he clearly doesn't trust me because he thought I would say that.

He stayed the night at Gianna's, with Dutz there, after she confessed she still wants him or misses him or whatever. She said she would wait for it to not work out with me and Ross so that she could have her shot. Gawd. I'm definitely not happy right now. I'm not mad, but I'm not happy, that's for sure. Moot's having people over tonight, which will mean Ross is drinking, which also means I don't know what I want to do tonight because him + drinking + even talking to me, let alone seeing me = bad news. We'll see I guess. Idk what to wear if I do go. Hmmm.

Guess not. Funny thing is, you asked me not to do this, but tough shit, I don't need to be doing you favors account of me NOT OWING YOU ANYTHING. Anyways, Anthony decided to pop back into my life for a second. Long story short, he lied to his current girlfriend, Sarah, about just about everything, especially everything about me and our "whatever" we had. I'm not exaggerating, everything was lied about for one dumb reason or another. Yes, I'm 16; no, we weren't "just friends"; yes, those inside jokes about tupperware parties started as ours; yes, he sent me an iPod; no, it wasn't because I didn't have one. Dumb things like that. I talked to Sarah, the girlfriend, and she's a really great girl, and I feel really bad she got into this situation. She even said she feels like a replacement, and I can totally understand where that came from. I never hated her, let it be known, and now, I especially don't. I just feel super bad that she had to end up with Anthony, after I made him so bitter. Oh well.

Today, he had the nerve to ask me to send the iPod and dogtags, which he has said are MINE now, not his, to Sarah in Burbank. We'll see what I decide to do about that. I was getting over you, I was almost happy you were out of my life, I could still see the good in you. Well looks like you ruined all that for me. If you want out of my life, don't expect for me to let you back in to treat me like an idiot and tell me what to do with my time, and my things. Kthxbye.

Things are starting to fall into place. This feeling is nice, even though I have my bouts with being upset about the dumbest thing, but that could also be contributed to my random use of birth control pills. You see, I don't take them everyday, because I'm terrible at remembering those types of things. Whatever, I'll get back on track soon. Not like I need it anymore anyways.
Stretched today to a 00, diggin' that. And I got my orbital changed out to a ring, so that looks prime. I'm dying my hair again tomorrow. I'm starting to feel like a damned chameleon. I'm changing my appearance a lot lately, but it's for the better.
Hmmm. I don't really have much to say other than that. Oh! Except that my mom said I could go to Reno for my birthday and she'll pay for my tattoo as my present. Sick! And!!!!!! bets news of my life, almost topped driving an '08 mazda 3, mom and Ponchi are going to his turquoise mine for the weekend of the 7th to the 12th*** of May, and they're getting married there. You'd think I'd be upset I wasn't included? Are you kidding?!?! I'm stoked I don't have to go, and see that happen. It's much better undercover...like getting an abortion, you don't make a big deal out of something that isn't 100% good. So I'll be completely home alone that weekend, because Grams will also be in San Antonio for random reasons. No parties, but definitely chillin' hard. =]

Today's Christine's birthday too. I'm hoping I don't have to go out with the guys and her tonight, but we'll let the chips fall where they may.

I guess I should actually update this once in awhile. I've been really busy lately, doing some random things before the wedding, and prom, spending far too much money on things I don't necessarily need. I got my report card today, a 3.6! I reached that goal, I just need to continue on with it. Other than that, nothing has really been going on. My interview at Starbucks went well, so hopefully I will have a job soon. I have a second interview coming up I guess? And one at Beverly's on Thursday.

I feel really alone lately, like I'm in solitary confinement, but in my own life... Weird feeling. I need to figure it all out I guess. I'm looking forward to next year, a lot actually. Things were starting to turn around for me, but now, they just seem a bit dismal. I don't like making plans with anyone lately, because I can't drive, and it's seriously such a hassle to have people come get me. 51 days; and yes, I'm counting down.

I wish things were going different, in certain aspects, because I'm really unhappy. Alex asked me today when was the last time I was happy, and I couldn't recall. That's even more upsetting because I'm not making the most of my time on this planet. I'm not taking opportunities, I'm not doing much of anything. I like it, but then again, I wish I just had better friends. I'm in a similar bind as Brittany. We both are at the point where our friends aren't worth it so much anymore, because we both always push to hangout with them, but they take it as a bad thing. My friends don't contact me, hardly ever. I'm ALWAYS the one to start talking.

I'm getting to upset to even finish writing this. Ugh.

I just wrote a good portion of what I'd like to say to you, but I decided I don't want to say it.

I have nothing to say anymore, about anything, to anyone in particular. I'm just waiting for the next chapter to start.

Not fun.( Read more... )

I'm not devastated about this. Anthony and I are completely through, and it wasn't left open to question, nor do I have anything left to ask. I understand why this happened, and I think this whole time I knew it was going to, but we were just trying to get in a little more time before we had to say our goodbyes. I'll never regret this, and I might end up sobbing over it at a later date, but as of right now, I know this is what needed to happen and that this is what's best for me, and him as well. There comes a time in your life when you realize you must pick yourself over this other person, in order to stay alive, not in the literal sense, but a metaphorical one, and this was that time for me. I wasn't swimming, I was simply treading water, hardly managing to stay afloat. But now, I've got my bearings and I'll be off again soon. Guess this means I'm really single again, for the first time in way over a year. I wonder what will happen next because now I have the freedom to "go date whoever I want. go fuck whoever I want." I think I'll be doing my Spring Cleaning this year on more than just my room and my possessions. And in response to my last entry, it did change rightnowthissecond. Maybe that was my subconscious signal that I was ready to have that change happen.

Just finished The Tenth Circle, very good, but the ending was a little unsatisfying.
Life is turning around.

I know it's a little late after New Years and all, but better late than never has become my new theme song. I've made this resolution to never be second best, never be number 2, never be the other girl. I've decided this because of a few reasons. One, is clearly about a guy I don't have. Two, is clearly about the friendships I do "have". And three, it's about myself. I have finally come to terms with deserving something good, well not something good, in particular, but something better than this. Better than how I'm being treated, better than I'm getting. The friends I can deal with, they come and go. As do guys, but this is different. Or it should have been. Things changed, he picked her, but won't completely let go of me. I know he loves me, he has told her he loves me, and it continues. I guess I can either wait it out and see where it goes, or move on like I should have before because of knowing I deserve better than this. Thank you for the life lesson, you have made me such a better person by helping me learn from some of my biggest mistakes. It's not going to change rightnowthissecond, but it'll change over time, and I think we've both realized that. I hope we can find our Switzerland.

I haven't drank in over a month. I feel very proud of myself, and I plan on continuing this for the sake of my pride and my liver.

I always feel like I have to live up to someones expectations, be who somebody else wants me to be, please somebody or whatever else. I lost sight of my true self a long time ago and I dont know how to find me anymore. I feel like an imposter, like I'm pretending to live this life but not actuallly living or experiencing anything. I dont know who to trust anymore. I dont know who would listen if I even tried to confide in someone. Just one of those bummer moods I guess. Tell me how to fix this, because the sun has left this dark place.

There's so many things I could picture myself doing after high school. So many paths, so many occupations, careers, places, and ideas flowing concerning that time, but I don't know what I want to be, where I want to end up, or even where to start.

For one of the first times in my life, I have no idea where I'm going, and I'm not scared.

This last weekend was nice. I went to the show instead of a part or anything. At the Boogie Room, which was sketch, but the new music is good. Tricia spent Saturday night over, and we had an amazing, long talk like we used to, and I realized how much I really have change, and how good I'm doing now. It's really nice to have someone realize that I'm sticking to my word. School is decent as well. I'm doing quite well in it. I've realized I do a lot of the things I do for attention. And most of the fights I start is because I feel forgotten. Well that's the next thing to change. I'm done looking for attention, and for gratification. I've realized I can give myself that, and it's nice to be able to be self sufficient. I'm blonder again, and I like that too. Things are going well; I'm starting to be happy again. Just a couple more months until everything changes again though. Hope this time it's smooth.

Last night was Aaron's birthday. It was basically a kegger at his house, with a mini keg haha. I didn't drink at all, because Christine was. There was a cake fight, and Aaron had to vacuum up the cake and then Lumberjack mopped the rest up lmao. Emma had cake all over her. Then there was an egg fight, because Aaron was going to chase with eggs, but Seff and Birdman ended up throwing eggs at each other. There was a pretty big almost fight too. I went to use the bathroom, but Greg's blond roommate was in the bathroom with her boyfriend, so I laughed it off, went and told Aaron and he sent people to get em out of there. Then the roommate came and pushed Aaron hellof, and Aaron pushed her back so the boyfriend started to step up to Aaron, then Cheap Mike stepped up to the guy, Christian got up to back up Cheap and Aaron, and the roommate pushed Cheap's head, and Mattie straight pushed the girl hellof hard, and they finally left. I guess after I left, Mattie ended up beating up or trying to beat up Big Red and B Train. Ouch. Interesting night for sure. It's nice being 100% sober and laughing at all the drunk people.

I've already changed and I can feel it. I'm going job hunting this week again, so let me know if you hear of anywhere hiring. Thanks!

Oh, I forgot. Chelsey called me a cunt, because I made casual conversation with Casey after seeing him at in n out, and she thinks I'm always stealing her guys. Whatever. Casey is not my type.

One Tree Hill has always been somewhat a mirror of my life. And the new season started recently, and it still has yet to disappoint me. Lucas winds up with another girl, after Peyton basically asks him to wait for marriage, which he interpreted as a "no". He is now with Lindsey, and he asks her to marry him, with the same ring that he was going to give to Peyton but she never saw. Funny, isn't it? I wonder what happens next, and how closely it will reflect the story of my life.

I'm getting restless. I sit here, everyday. I do nothing substantial. I do nothing to better the world, my life, or that of another. I go out on the weekends to try and forget everything else, but I come up short and only forget what I should always remember. I breathe in and breathe out in hopes that I can calm down, but nothing really works. My life is mediocre. My life is nothing but one of boredom and toilsome through all the motions. School is wasting my time. Sitting at home watching movies everyday is likewise wasting my life. I wish I had something going on, something positive, something uplifting, something to put all my energy into.

I just read The Pact by Jodi Picoult. And fought all day with Anthony. On Valentine's Day of all fucking days. The day we were SUPPOSED to be just as much together as we were last year, if not a billion times more.

But that's not reality. Reality is, the book helped me more than anything. The Pact was about two teenagers who were together since day one of their lives, and the girl was insanely depressed but no one really saw, and she wanted to kill herself, for him to be there, and ultimately for him to do it. Without giving away the ending, I realized just exactly what I would do for love, and who I'd do those things for.

There's a common question I hear these days..."Would you take a bullet for someone you love?" And to that question, I can unequivocally say I would for numerous people. Mainly, Anthony, Alex, Tricia, Grace*, Andrew* (as I read over it I realized I had to add a few names.) my Mom and my Grandma. For different reasons of course, but mainly because I love them more than I love myself. As unhealthy as that sounds, I could die by whatever means to make their lives easier, make them happy, save them, or whatever the case. That's who I am as a person, that's where my loyalties lie. I can tell you that I'd defend to the death for any of those people, against anyone you'd like to put me against. But as I found out in the book, its easier to die than to see someone you love in pain.

Could you just as easily kill them for their well being, rather than let yourself die in their stead? I think that for a couple of those people I could. It may sound unethical, but if they were truly suffering, their life was no longer worth living, they were in immense pain or whatever the case, would you forego the attempts to fix them, and go with their wishes to end their life? That's really the definition of love. That and giving up someone, letting them be completely be obliterated from your life so they will be happy. But those are almost the same acts, the same meanings, right?

Point being, I love Anthony. I always have. Regardless of the acts I've done in between his leaving and this second, I always have loved him. I may not have been able to show it, but I have. And I will stand by that claim until my last breath... Whenever that may occur.

I think I've realized the most important thing in this process, and that is that I love you, and I'm going to let you go. If we're meant to be, we'll be back together in no time. But from my actions, I deserve to be without you, just as much as you deserve happiness.

This weekend has been nice. Anthony and I worked things out; he's still with her but I'm fine. He's in Washington too. Grace stayed the night twice, I babysat and made bank. We saw Pet Sounds again, with Chelsey and Casey Quinn, went to Aaron's and David's a few times, and last night Grace, Christine, Birdman, David and I went to the beach and had a really chill time. =]
A night to remember for sure. I love having friends like those.

That's how this feels. For the second time now, that's how this feels. But I've lost hope and I've lost faith. I've given up on this and I don't think I want it anymore. Not when he uses the exact same lines on her and he did on me. Not when it took less than a week to be her boyfriend. Not when this happens. I'm done. Don't bother anymore.

I'll make it past this like I've made it past other exes. Your stuff will be put away in a box with everything else I'd like to forget. With everything else that has hurt me. I'll be better without you than I was with you. That's how it has to be. That's how I'll live through this, literally.

Like I said, don't bother anymore. I can't trust you. I can't rely on you. I can't believe you. This is over. I'd like to say we could still be friends but we both know that won't happen.

Strike all that. I'm going to be fine. This is the end I'm glad we're having. Today has taught me a lot. I've noticed a trend. Out of the three or four guys I've been really serious about in my life, all of them have been as equally serious right back. And with all of them, I've somehow ruined it and then all three or four of them have promptly left me for someone who is actually better than I am.

Maybe I should lower my expectations?

I'm sorry. I am. But I will do as I said and stand behind my actions, my decisions and my mistakes fully. If you can't accept that, then that's how it is. I'm sorry it came to this, but we obviously have our differences. I love you. I honestly, truly do, but I can't love you if you can't love me for who I am, and not what I do. It plays a part, I will admit, but as I said before, it was a lapse of judgement on my part, and something to learn from.

I'm still growing up.

I wanted to grow up in suburbia. Ya know, like all the movies, have the classic American life. But after dinner at my dad's last night, I realized I could have that, but I don't really want it. I have a great mom who I'm so thankful for, and I have a great dad even when he's being a dick. He's just treating me the best he can with little to no parenting experience and no examples of which to go off of.
As for the whole Paris thing, my mom and Ponchi totally support me, my grandma totally supports me, and my dad and Debbie are crazy in their support for me, so this is working out lovely for me. I really hope Joanne realizes this is something I really want and will benefit me so much. Honestly, this Paris trip would help out my life in so many ways, I couldn't even begin to cover them all.
Other than that, Anthony and I got into a pretty atomic bomb-like fight on Monday. I don't really want to go into in detail except for the fact that I said what I needed to say, I stuck up for myself for the first time truly in my life, and I'm proud of myself for it. And for the record, I don't drink and do drugs every weekend. I don't need either of them to enjoy myself and since the Friday before winter break, I haven't drank more than three shots in one night. I've cut down so much because I don't like who I am when I drink. I don't like being that girl so I changed. After last weekend of boring, pointless waste of gas and money, I'm thinking about staying in more. Going out just isn't where its at anymore; I could do so much more with my time. I need to my gpa over 2.75 for Paris, even though after 17 full absences I got a 3.2. So I'm trying to up that to a 3.8 or 4.0. I need to finish my BYU class asap. I think I'll start that tomorrow.

Oh don't I feel better already. =]